青柳诊所手记50

青柳诊所手记50

天气虽然还是有些冷，下雨的日子比天晴的日子多，但空气中已经可以隐隐地闻到春天的味道了。诊所的花园还是一派颓败的景象，但时不时可以听到鸟的叫声了。阿里医生一谈到今年的花园该种些什么花草时，他的眼睛里就有光彩流出来。

休息时我喜欢坐在窗户边上闭上眼睛一面听着音乐一面享受着温暖的阳光照在身上的感觉。这时的我，无论外面的世界如何变幻，我都觉得自己是一个幸福的人。

在我的行医道路上，邰医生是我的第一个老师。多年前我在他的身边工作时，只要稍有一点闲暇，我们总是坐在诊所的阳光下，一面听音乐一面静坐。“音乐就是能量。当那美丽的音乐萦绕在你的耳旁时，你就意念它们是五彩缤纷的光线，你微微吸气，那些能量就成为你的了……” 邰医生这样启发我。到现在我才明白，医学方面的很多只可意会不可言传的东西，老师那时都是通过音乐和静坐传授给我的。

我的父亲也特别喜欢音乐。他有空时就吹一吹竹笛或者拉一拉二胡什么的。父亲临去世的两周前我陪在他的身边时，也总是在病房里放着他爱听的音乐。护士或者来探望病人的家属们偶然听到了，他们也会站在门旁聆听微笑。

大师兄的父亲去世前，大师兄送给他父亲的也是他唱的一首歌：“听闻远方有你”。

这首歌中的两句歌词总是特别让我感动：我吹过你吹过的风这算不算相拥？我走过你走过的路这算不算相逢？

人不仅仅因为活着就会幸福。这个世界，有着太多不定的因素，似乎到处充满了局限、混乱、争执、和不幸。而音乐和静坐，对于我来说，可以让我重新找到宁静和欢乐，让这个看似不完美的世界变得有序和和谐起来。

作为一个行医者，我每天都听到那么多的呻吟和抱怨：身体痛楚，夜不成眠，精神不济，消化不良，求子不得，内分泌紊乱，气血不足…… 人生拂意的事情太多，衰老也是不可避免的一件事。总有一天，你会发现，你的精力不如从前，你的脊梁变得没有那么挺拔，皱纹和白发越来越多，疼痛变得越来越持久和明显…..

那天一个叫T的病人来找我，他的主诉是不明原因的背痛。他说：“所有该做的检查都做过了，谁也不知道为什么我的背有时痛得让我非得趴在地上才舒服一点”。

我说，“我知道你的背为什么痛。”

“为什么？”

“因为从你的舌头上我可以看到你积郁成疾，从你的眼睛里我也看到你心灵里的那扇窗子关闭了。”

T惊疑地看着我：“啊，你看到了吗？我承认我已经抑郁了相当长的时间了。就算度假的时候或者偶然遇到一些幸运的事时我暂时感到了些许的欢乐和满足，但那转眼即逝的过眼云烟更让我沮丧和失望。我发现，绝大多数时候，人生很无奈很没有意思。”

“你也应该发现：绝大多数时候，疾病不过是心理上的失落在生理上的反应而已。”

“你是说我的背痛跟我的不快乐有着很大的关系？我的不快乐跟我的心灵里的那扇窗户关闭了很有关系？那该如何打开那扇窗户呢？“

“很简单，做你的灵魂爱做的事情。如果那不是你的工作，至少在工作之余你要竭尽全力去做它。打开那扇窗户最好的手段就是创造力，也许是音乐，也许是舞蹈，也许是陶艺，也许是写作，也许是踢足球，也许是园艺，也许是绘画….. 每个人都有不同的表达方式。一个热爱创造的人，就是敲开了那扇心灵窗户的人。那扇窗户打开了，你的灵魂和显意识就变得同步共振起来。那时你的身体就会好许多，你的心灵会安静许多，当然也不大可能有什么抑郁症了。”

“真的吗？”

我点点头。“有一个舞蹈大师告诉我，他在婚礼上或者正式的群体里应邀跳舞时就很难感觉到那种全身心的振奋与投入，而当他面对陌生的观众即兴表演时却可以让自己的身体把心灵的快乐和活力淋漓尽致地体现出来。你知道为什么吗，T？”

“为什么？“

“因为他那时打开的是心灵的窗户，他那时是给自己的灵魂跳舞。很多人都试图从物质世界中去改变生活中的不圆满，最后往往变得失望。我们应该明白，现实世界绝大多数时候不是我们所能够控制的，而心灵的那扇窗户，却是我们随时可以打开的。为什么我们不多去做一些我们能够掌控的事情呢？ ”

T这天 做完治疗从床上爬起来时，正好窗外有一只小蜂鸟在啄着窗户。他朝它笑了笑挥挥手。临别前他说他的背痛已经好了很多了。我知道，那不仅仅是因为我们给他拔了罐，扎了针，做了推拿，而是因为他已经走上了疗愈之旅，他心灵里的那扇窗户已悄悄开了一条缝，他开始尝试创造一种理解，一种放松，一种喜悦的振动….

Whispering of Willows 50

By Dr. Anna Zhao

Although the weather is still a little cold and there are more rainy days than sunny ones, I can already smell the fragrance of spring in the air. The garden attached to our clinic is still in hibernation, but birds’ singing can occasionally be heard. When Dr. Ali talked about this year’s plan for our garden, joy shimmered in his bright eyes.

During my breaks, I often sit by a large window, eyes closed, listening to music, and enjoying the warm touch of sunlight. At this time, no matter how ever-changing the outside world seems, I feel I am on top of the world.

When I was doing my TCM practicum, Dr. Tai was my teacher. Years ago, when working under his guidance, I remember that whenever we had a little spare time, we often sat in the sunlight of the clinic, listening to music, meditating.  He inspired me by saying: "Music is a vibration. When a beautiful melody rings in your ears, you should visualize it as colorful lights. Gently you breathe in, vividly feeling as though those lights are entering your pores..." Now looking back, it dawns on me that his teaching is so true. In therapeutic healing there are many things that can only be perceived but cannot be described with words.  And precisely because of this, my teacher taught me much through music and meditation.

My father was also a fan of music. Whenever possible, he played a bamboo flute or erhu instrument for us. During his final two weeks, I often played his favorite music in his hospital room. When nurses or passersby heard it by chance, they would stand by the door and listen with a smile.

Dr. Daniel also sang a song at his father’s death bed: "I Hear You Far Away". Part of the lyrics in this song particularly touched my heart: “I enjoyed the breeze you had enjoyed, would this be considered as our embrace? I walked the paths you walked, would this be regarded as our reunion?”

Simply being alive does not guarantee our happiness. The world is uncertain in many aspects, and it seems that sometimes we are surrounded by life’s limitations, chaos, disputes, and misfortunes. For me, music and meditation are my refuge. They seem to have the power to give me peace and joy, and make the imperfect world a bit more orderly and harmonious again.

As a medical practitioner, I hear many troubles and complaints every day: physical pains, sleepless nights, fatigue, indigestion, infertility, hormonal disorder, poor circulation... So much seems to go against our wishes, and alas, aging proves inevitable. Little by little, you find that your energy begins to fade, your spine is not as straight, wrinkles and grey hair creep in, and all sorts of pain and ailments become more and more persistent...

The other day, a patient named T came to see me with a main complaint of unexplained back pain. He said: "I have done all necessary tests, and not even one expert can tell me why my back hurts so much that I have to lie flat on the ground for hours just waiting for my pain to ease."

I said, "I probably can guess the why."

"Why?" he raised his brows.

"Because you are not happy. I can see that by reading your tongue. By looking into your eyes, I can see that the window in your heart is shut."

T looked disturbed: "Did you really see that? I admit that I have been depressed for quite a long time. Sure, a vacation here and there helped me feel better, and my pain eased when I encountered some lucky events by chance. However, those little joys and pleasures seem to never last and they went away like fleeting clouds, leaving me feeling more depressed and disappointed. I realize that most of the time, life seems indeed helpless and meaningless."

"Perhaps someday you will also realize that most of the time, pain can be a physiological projection of our inner unhappiness."

"You mean my back pain has a lot to do with my mental state? My unhappiness has a lot to do with the window in my heart that is closed? If so, tell me, how can I open that window?"

"It's not complicated, do what your spirit loves to do. If that is not your profession, at least devote much attention to it in your spare time. The best way to open that window is creativity; maybe in the form of music, or dance, or pottery, or writing, or playing soccer, or gardening, or painting... Everyone has different ways to express their creativity. A person who loves to create is the one who has opened the window in their spiritual world. When the window is opened, your soul and conscious mind become synchronized and resonate in harmonious frequency. At that time your body will feel much healthier, your mind much calmer, and of course, it is unlikely you would slip into depression. "

"That is what you think?"

I nodded. "A professional dancer once told me that when he was invited to perform in a rigid setting such as a formal wedding, it was difficult for him to fully feel the exhilaration that accompanies the freedom of movement. However, when he improvised his dance on the stage for an audience of thousands, he could let his body fully reflect the joy and vitality of his soul. Do you know why, T?”

“Why?”

“Because he opened the window of his spirit, and danced for his soul at that time.  

To escape the monotony of our everyday life, our spirit craves freedom, for an artistic expression on a higher level than the physical level. If we try to change the imperfections in the material world, we often become disheartened, as the physical world is mostly not under our control. Nevertheless, the window towards our spirit is openable at any time. Why don't we focus more on things within our control?"

When T got up from the treatment bed that day, a little hummingbird was tapping the clinic’s window from the outside. T beamed and waved at it. Before leaving, he said the pain in his back seemed to have eased. I knew he was already on the path of healing. Cupping, acupuncture and massage surely helped him, but most importantly, the window to his spirit is beginning to open a crack, and he is already learning to create – creating an understanding, a relaxation, and a vibration of joy…